Coffee Stories

I am well aware that my addiction to cigarettes can be offensive to those who choose not to smother their lungs in tabacco-y goodness. And despite my extremely confrontational personality, I'm even so aware of how much it may bother somebody that I am [usually] more than accomodating to those who bitch and moan about the smoke. But not anymore. I'm sorry all, you can blame my newfound aggression on one snarky, ugly, stick-figure cunt and her crippled friend.

Yesterday, while enjoying an afternoon of Spicy Tuna rolls and shopping, my friend Nicole and I decided to sit down for a much needed coffee break. After grabbing my coffee, I quickly grabbed the only available table left outside of the establishment. As I motioned for my lighter, I could feel someone's eyes piercing. As I pulled out a fresh cigarette, I could feel the glare intensify. And finally, as I lit the beautifully crafted cancer stick, it happened:

"Um, hello? Hi. You know, I'd really appreciate it if you could put that out. My friend here just had surgery and I don't even know what that smoke will do to him. THANKS."

Two things immediately ran through my head: Would smoke affect somebody post-surgery? I couldn't figure out how. And also, didn't the Farrah Fawcet feathered hair look go out in the 90s? I was immediately defensive by her cadence and offensive choice of dress.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I would, but my friend is inside and is coming out shortly, and we'd hate to try and find another table. I apologize."

"You vile creature."

Cunty then preceeded to talk about me (using words and phrases that would make Joy Behar blush) and attacking me to her sugar daddy elderly companion. Without hesistation, the following is exchanged:

"Look, Miss, I'm aware you haven't eaten in weeks, but that's no reason to get huffy."

"I hope you die."

"Thanks! I'll keep your opinion in mind the next time I go to the doctor."

Nicole: "Is she serious right now? She's insane."

She proceeds to move to another table, but not before cursing us just one more time. She also called me a character in a bad movie. I was extremely flattered.




I applied for a summer job at Starbucks one hour later.