Who Gets What?

It's important to note that relationships --under any given circumstance-- are never balanced. I've struggled with this fact my entire life, as I've always felt that I give more to my relationships than the other person involved. I don't doubt that I'm not important to my friends, but I always seem to make myself more available, cater to and shift emotional and physical energies toward the aforementioned. After months of thought, I believe the reason to be my physical insecurity. I know I'm not the sexiest, most attractive or desirable person, and I've launched those feelings into a sick, self-depreciating tug-of-war between me and my friends. How important am I? Will you stick around if I don't satisfy or service your every emotional whim? Probably not, if you're as selfish as I've anticipated. But it seems that I've recently developed relationships that nullify my argument. My closest friends, currently, are truly close friends. Of course, there are moments of disappointment in which the inherent rules of a friendship shift dramatically; but for the most part, I'm content with the relationships I've created. Though, my friend and self-proclaimed fruitfly has brought up a rather novel concept - the friendship pre-nuptial agreement.

I've gone through terrible relationships with friends. In fact, my most recent wound, one that still hasn't completely healed, is due to my close friendship with Savannah, a staunch Republican who cites Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh as strong, upstanding members of the American community. Our friendship, while open, honest, and incredibly humorous was destined to fail from the beginning. We tried to steer clear of political discussions and enjoy the other facets of our de facto relationship, but in the end it simply became a matter of character and moral code. In simple terms, she believs that gay marriage isn't something to support, and this is simply a deal breaker. I thought it wasn't initially, as she claimed to always support my decisions in life...no matter what. But could she support my chosen partner's? A friend of a friend's? A lose acquaintance? A homosexual enemy? No. It simply wouldn't have ever worked out, and had we both known that from the start, a lot of pain, agony, stress and angst could have been avoided.

I don't need my future friendships to be indoctrinated, but the idea of knowing potential pitfalls before they happen is incredibly thought-provoking. But, then again, what's a relationship without the lowest lows? Would the highs be as memorable? Would they feel as good? Though fighting is emotionally taxing, isn't it necessary to deepen the friendship's roots? Or can a relationship survive on a thinly vialed happiness? I couldn't tell you.